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Thursday, December 29, 2005

Anonymous

A friend just sent me the following breaking news. It came to her anonymously so I have no way to credit the source.

Here it is. If I ever discover who wrote it, I'll add the source.



Congress today announced that the office of President of the United
States of America will be out sourced to India as of November 15th,
2005. The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly
salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and
related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years. "We
believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be
significant" stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds,
with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied
outsourcing American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain
competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay"
Reynolds noted. Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his
termination.

Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Guvinder Singh of Indusle services, Mumbai, India will be assuming
the office of President as of December 1st. Mr. Singh was born in the
United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara
Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a
salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other
benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his
job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time
difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at
night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working
nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call
center" stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited
about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be
fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President,
this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the
issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will
enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using
these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having
to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting
tools work" stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them
successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas
drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his
effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his
final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will
be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately
he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits
will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the
outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume
and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower,
Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to
limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was
suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and his
phony smile.

Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National
Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose
this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month,
before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been
there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable
knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal
and gift shop. Sources in Baghdad and Fallujah say Mr. Bush would
receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be
provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an
appropriate welcome

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